I Am Not Returning to X

An Explanation

After much prayer, and pleading with the Holy Theotokos, Seat of Wisdom, to obtain wisdom for me, I have decided not to return to X. I am positive that this is the right answer, just as I am positive that joining X and having many debates and discussions with people was the right answer for two years. Things have changed for me personally.

Firstly, I have become busier. For a few years I had a lot of free time. This was a huge blessing and I had so much time that I wanted to give some back to God, and having some talent for social media marketing and a serious debating background forged largely through political science clubs during my college years, X was actually a great fit. But I no longer have all the free time I once did, and it’s also a blessing not to have it, as I am busy with some exciting activities.

Secondly, I have returned to playing sports, specifically hockey. Between injuries and illnesses I had been partly sidelined for years, only engaging in powerlifting. This has put a lot of muscle on my frame, but I need organized sports to keep my edge physically. So, I have begun playing hockey again, and I am taking a year to essentially “rehab” to start playing adult hockey at its highest recreational level. I have come to see this is something I actually do need in my life to help me spiritually, as spiritual battles become easy when I have activities that cultivate the virtues. I want to help create a modern spirituality that can be lived around sports, to help get more Catholics healthy spiritually, mentally and physically. My daughters are now starting to play sports competitively too, and I have to dedicate time to training them and supporting them.

Thirdly, I believe it’s my job, regardless of audience size, to now move beyond apologetics into theology. There is a lack of Byzantine insight in American Catholic media, as well as perspectives informed from someone more informed regarding the Old Testament and ancient Jewish sources. For example, did you know the story of Judas’ repentance is support for the Confessional? Judas repented, but because he lacked the virtue of hope, having rejected it, he did not seek absolution as did St. Peter. St. Peter clung to hope and went to Christ and was absolved. St. Peter had repented before Christ absolved him. So, when Protestants say “just go directly to God,” while there are many arguments for the Confessional, one is that there is more to repenting than being sorry and confessing it. Absolution must be obtained, and there is only one way God gave us to obtain it with certainty.

Judas did confess to the Sanhedrin, which you will notice did not absolve Judas, but St. Peter confessed to the everlasting High Priest, who gave the power to absolve as He absolved St. Peter to the Apostles and their successors. This is an insight you don’t really hear among Latin Churches that I learned from a Byzantine Catholic priest, and I have enough familiarity with Roman Catholicism to know exactly where most Roman Catholics probably have not heard of something before. The Catholic Church will become predominant in the West again partly because it will be a theological juggernaut that combines Roman insight with that of the other Suis Juris Churches. No one will be able to compete with it. Other Catholic groups are starting to become prime contributors, especially Byzantine Catholics and Maronites. But expect to see more from Armenians, Coptic Catholics and others soon.

Fourthly, debating people online was for a couple years a way to refine arguments and actually grow in faith. St. Thomas Aquinas cites public debating within a narrow range of circumstances as an activity that builds the faith. While I can always learn more about false sects in particular, and engage more directly with other false religions and atheism broadly, the utility of this is not yielding the fruit it used to for me. By this I mean I am hardly learning anything new.

So, debating becomes even more of a time sink. It informs Catholics and those leaning Catholic, but it cannot pierce a hardened heart. It can help remove intellectual obstacles to the reception of Divine and Catholic Faith, which is saving faith that is also free of invincible ignorance, but it requires one to be an earnest seeker of truth. What I have discovered is the majority of people you debate with are actually not earnest seekers. This surprised me, as I have always assumed myself to be one earnest seeker in a sea of them. Now I see that most people are actually not earnestly seeking the truth. Most people are actively rejecting it. The opponents of Catholicism are not merely misguided, but much of the time possess a darkened intellect, through their own fault. So winning an argument with them will not change anything. They do not lack information, they are actively rejecting grace somewhere.

In fact, without naming names, I have discovered that a few non-Catholic people that I once respected are bad faith actors. I have even learned that some Catholic apologists are bad faith actors too, and are involved largely for monetary reasons or are driven by pride and ego. So while there is a place for debate, and I am not against people doing it, the conditions for fruitful debate are narrow.

Fifthly, and forgive the term as it can be offensive to some, I have become a major proponent of “Christian Retardmaxxing.” I am an overthinker. Occasionally, this helps me solve hard problems and answer difficult questions. Usually, it does more harm than good to me as an individual. But just retardmaxxing I have already seen very good results spiritually.

This approach is really what the Catholic Church has primarily taught people for centuries, with massive spiritual success. It is true that you just need to say your prayers, go to Mass and read your Bible. Aren’t doing all three? Then you don’t have time for anything more, sorry. Doing more will be actively harmful.

Lack of retardmaxxing is behind the one or two cases of self-destruction we see among Catholic apologists and pop theologians every single year online. This even goes for non-Catholics. They’re not doing the basics of living a Christian life, and they get wrecked while trying to win money and/or prestige utilizing Catholicism or Christianity broadly. Every e-Catholic crashout and scandal is an instance of someone who isn’t retardmaxxing and doing the basics, but is trying to supplement income or personal ego through apologetics anyway.

You have to be retardmaxxing first before you can do anything well as a Catholic.

Sixthly, and related to point five, I have been undisciplined in my own prayer rule and spiritual practice, as a result of lacking time (due to wasting too much of it). X in general detracts from time to see spiritual obligations through daily, at least for me. I do have another, anonymous, account, but it’s strictly used for keeping up with sports and video games (it is important to have normal hobbies, rightly ordered). I hardly spend any time on it, as it’s of a different nature. X can be helpful for many people, but using it as I had been is not helpful for me holistically.

Seventhly, I have been promising a book for a couple of years. Well, I am now working on that book more diligently, and I have decided to make it free and open as I originally intended. Some have advised me to publish and sell it, and their opinions are wise and informed, but I strongly feel God wants me to make it free and publicly available. It will be a massive work that makes the positive case for Catholicism, and then tackles false religions and explains why they’re wrong and irrational. It’s not exactly a catechism, but something between a Summa and a treatise. I wanted to write this simply to teach my children and help with their catechism, but I know for certain that this can help others. I do plan to accept donations from those who find it helpful, as donations can be used to eliminate tasks (such as yard work) and allow me to write more. If I can shift responsibilities I can produce more, simple as.

Eighthly, I haven’t been a good friend on X. I leave too many of you in my DM’s unread. This is because I’m too busy to get to everything. I truly want to have relationships with the manifold people who have supported my content with likes, shares, comments and additional insight, but I also can’t keep up with everyone on X via DM’s. I am exploring other ways to get this under control while maintaining direct contact with some individuals.

Ninthly, I have a tendency to sometimes lose charity when I debate people who are obtuse, irrational, or even wicked. You can’t let sins in others become sins in you. Little venial sins add up and damage one spiritually. I also don’t believe in debating the same people over and over. St. Paul teaches us in Titus to move on from heretics after only a few interactions. Otherwise, you are casting pearls before the swine (not an insult, so much as understanding they are gentiles). There are many Protestant, Sedevacantist, Mormon, “Orthbro” and other accounts that act in bad faith, and need to be ignored, and I want to stop feeding them.

We should admonish and move on, and continually engage with truth seekers. Who is a truth seeker and who is a heretic is difficult to ascertain, and we must use prudence. But frankly I believe many people are not honest interlocutors. I still maintain good relations with certain popular Protestant and Orthodox individuals in particular, even though we fiercely disagree, because I do not get the sense that they are bad faith in any way.

Lastly, I believe that many “e-Catholics” need to move to more legitimate ministry. Become a member of an actual Catholic organization like the Knights of Columbus, or even your parish men’s or women’s group, and serve within it. Become a deacon or even a priest. Let’s stop confusing callings to serve with a calling to be an e-celeb. I want to help established groups and do more local service.

My mission can now be fulfilled through Substack and whatever platform I start publishing my book on. The book will be a sort of wiki that is continuously updated, with updates noted on Substack. So Substack will be the best and really only place to follow me going forward. I am not disappearing from the Internet, simply leaving X. I know this will dent my reach and popularity, but reach and popularity are not a high priority.

I will continue to pray for those who blessed me or even did otherwise, and I hope you will pray for me. I would also love to hear from you in the comments section here, or via Substack DM’s (please be patient with my replies).